


Two (and a Half) Men

by thehaikubandit



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Modern AU, still with the jedi temple but not really force powers, well kinda modern
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-24 08:12:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14950935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehaikubandit/pseuds/thehaikubandit
Summary: Asajj already has to deal with living with her two brothers. Then her ex turns up.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This work was written for Alice, because when it comes to talking nonsense about Star Wars we enable each other. There might be more, I'll see what happens?

The texts began the second Asajj stepped through the door after her morning run.

<Tell your useless brother to wake up and do something with his life.>

It was going to be one of those mornings…

<its 6:30>

<also he got out of hospital two days ago>

<Pathetic. He was fine.>

<he was in a coma>

<Weak.>

Asajj gave up at this point and went to shower. She came out to a final message.

<And tell the other one to stop painting on the walls with his blood.>

Wrapping a towel around herself Asajj stormed down the hallway and banged on a door.

“Maul if you cost us the security deposit I swear I’ll fucking kill you.”

 

The day proceeded to get worse when all the tramlines to the city were down. And the trains. And the roads. Apparently, the temple was on fire and the monks had tried to destroy the government? There went Asajj’s chance to get any contract work today. Instead she was stuck in the house with her two brothers, one nearly comatose, and the other who she wished was comatose.

As a final fuck you from the universe when she opened the door to go out and buy herself a takeaway for dinner her (now wanted for terrorism) ex was standing on the doorstep. The only reason she didn’t kill him was the pizza boxes in his arms.

“Come in then,” she said. “Before someone calls the army or something.”

And so, Quinlan Vos came to stay with them. Asajj had expected more opposition from her brothers (well, at least Maul, Savage was stuck in bed), but Maul had just grabbed a pizza, shouted a lot of questions about where Kenobi was, and stormed off to his room like a five year old having a temper tantrum when he failed to get any answers. So nothing new there.

Savage didn’t trust him, and carefully smelled each bite of pizza that Maul cut up and fed to him. But he ate it, and Asajj counted that as a win.

 

“I’m sorry,” said Quinlan later that night. “I didn’t know where else to go. Everyone else is…”

“Dead?”

“Yeah…”

“Welcome to my life. Now go and sleep.”

“Thanks for the couch,” he said. “And for not calling the army.”

“Everyone in this house has been wanted at some point. What’s one more fugitive?”

Quinlan went off to sleep on the couch and Asajj tactfully ignored the fact it sounded like he was crying.

 

Before she went to bed she checked her phone. Nine new texts. Oh. Great.

<Get your useless ex out of this house!>

<HIS KIND IS NOT WELCOME HERE>

<Keep eating that junk and you’ll get fat. Just see if you don’t.>

<READ YOUR MESSAGES>

<I don’t want that boy in your bed. You deserve much better than him. Go find yourself a nice partner who wasn’t part of that weird black and white morality preaching cult.>

<Good. Yes. The couch is where he belongs.>

<Force him to help you avenge us.>

<AVENGE US!!!!!>

<Good night Asajj. Sleep tight. Don’t let the Bogan bite.>


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A second visitor turns up, and the ghosts continue to get upset about everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let it be known that I'm Australian, so this fic is now kind of Australian. By which I mean I use the word thongs to refer to footwear. So shush.

<Kill the intruder!>   
  
This wasn't a message Asajj was expecting, let alone at lunch time, so when she came face to face with the man in a brown hoodie who had climbed over their back fence, she had a very large knife in her hand.   
  
"Oh," she said. "You. Come inside."   
  
"Terribly sorry to drop in like this darling.”   
  
Asajj opened her mouth to retort, and you better believe it would have been cutting, but her phone rang. All she heard on the other end of the line was an inhuman shriek. She held the phone a foot from her ear and waited.    
  
"The enemy of my enemy," she said when the shriek had finished. She then hung up.   
  
"Uh-" said Kenobi.   
  
"It's fine. But get inside. I suppose you're here for Quinlan?"   
  
The self assured smirk she kind of didn't hate dropped from Kenobi's face.   
  
"Vos is alive? And free?"   
  
He still hadn't moved, so Asajj turned around and went back into the house at this point. Jedi were useless at times. Most times. This at least snapped him out of it and he followed her in.

 

“Sit,” she said, and pointed to a chair at the kitchen table. 

“Quinlan!” Asajj shouted up the hallway. She heard the shower stop running.

“He'll be out in a minute,” she told Kenobi. “Drink?”

“Please.”

“So,” she said, pouring both him and herself something clear and toxic. “If you didn't know he was here, why come?”

“The enemy of my enemy?”

“Really?”

“Well,” he said. “I just don't really know many people who aren't dead or arrested right now.”

“So help me Kenobi, if another one of you turns up I'm throwing you all out. I refuse to start running a halfway house for supposed terrorists.”

<You had better not.> came the text.

Asajj rolled her eyes and tossed back her drink. Kenobi smelled his and winced before following suit. He coughed.

 

Quinlan wandered into the kitchen at this point, a towel slung low around his hips. 

“Obi-Wan!”

“Not dead then?” Kenobi's voice cracked a little as he made that joke.

“Same to you,” said Quinlan. “I thought -”

“Yes,” said Asajj. “This is all very touching, but I can't keep two of you here.”

“I might have somewhere of where to go,” said Kenobi. “This was just, well, an idea.”

“Why?”

“Can't I pop in for a social visit my dear?”

“It might not be the best idea,” Quinlan said. “Her broth-”

He was cut off when said brother appeared.

 

“KENOBI!!!”

Maul charged at Obi-Wan and knocked him and the chair to the ground, and proceeded to beat whatever parts of him he could reach. The chair lost a leg at some point and Maul grabbed it to help in his attack.

Asajj looked at the two of them on the ground and decided to be smart about this. Quinlan started to move towards Maul and Kenobi, though who knows what he hoped to accomplish.

“A little help?” she asked the ceiling.

Her phone rang for the second time that day.

“Block your ears,” she advised Quinlan before she answered. 

When she put the call on speaker phone the resulting otherworldly scream was enough to bring Savage limping into the kitchen. Maul got off Kenobi and crouched with his hands over his ears. Asajj could have sworn he growled. 

She hung up the phone.

“Thank you,” she said.

<Next time the Jedi dies. Just make sure Maul kills him outside. These floors are hardwood.>

 

“I believe that may be my queue to leave,” said Kenobi. “Sorry to have caused any trouble.” 

“There's a cafe around the corner?” Quinlan said. “If you want to grab lunch or something? I think it's a mob front, so they shouldn't call the police.”

“Please tell me you haven't been leaving the house,” said Asajj.

“Asajj, I could never lie to you.”

“If you get caught I swear…”

Kenobi pulled himself off the floor and dusted himself down. Maul immediately stood up, but at Asajj’s glare he just spat on the floor and stalked off.

“You're disgusting!” she shouted after him.

 

“Lunch?” Kenobi said to Quinlan. “And you're welcome to join us darling, and you too Savage?”

Savage shrugged and followed after Maul. 

“Get out of my house,” said Asajj.

Quinlan started to lead him off before Kenobi coughed. 

“Perhaps you might want to consider clothes?”

“Oh, yeah.”

 

He returned a few minutes later in old jeans and a pair of thongs. 

“God forbid you wear a shirt,” said Kenobi. 

“You didn't used to care.”

“Sorry we failed to civilise him,” Kenobi called to Asajj as they left.

She heard Quinlan say

“You know he has a shrine to you? And your name written in blood on his wall?”

But any response was cut off by the door closing.

Asajj sighed and kicked the broken chair into a corner of the room.

<Hardwood. Floors.>


End file.
